Tag Archives: Homeslice

Terms of Endearment

Standard

Him 1: Hey babes!!
Him 2: Hey sexy!!!! What are you up to?
Him 3: Hola, mi vida!
Him 4: How are you doing, honey?
Him 5: Sorry babe
Him 6: Que haces, mi amor?
Him 7: Hun, can I ask you a question?
Him 8: Good night, love.
Him 9: MAMITAAAA!
Him 10: Corazón…
Him 11: ‘Sup, hot stuff?
Him 12: Hello, Gorgeous!

No, this is not a complete list.

With everyone calling me their honey love babe, you’d think I get around… a LOT. And I don’t! (Although, I’m starting to think maybe I should…)

Each time someone who purports to be my friend calls me something like this, my first thought is: “Since when am I your [insert term of endearment here]?

Then I react to whatever word was and who it’s coming from…

Hot Stuff = What year are we in? Am I required to respond to this?
Gorgeous = True, but is this a Barbra Streisand movie? Or are you suggesting I have a big nose? (I do, but that’s not important right now)
Babes = More than one?
Sexy = I thought gays were the only one who used that when referring to a female they had never been … *ahem* … intimate with?
Mi Vida = Your life? Really? You might want to think about getting a new one…
Honey = Goes in tea and on bread.
Babe = Last time I checked, I was not a talking pig
Mi Amor = Did you fall in love with me during these past months that I hadn’t been talking to you?
Love = I’m sorry, are you British?
MAMITAAAA = No, I don’t have children. (And, NO, I do not want to have yours… and NO, I do not want to practice with you, either.)
Corazón = Why don’t you give your heart to someone who cares?
Hun = As in “Attila the…”?

I have a name. And I have a nickname. And nicknames for the nickname.

Must these fools persist to annoy me with “relationship-y” words when one (or both) of us has no desire for such status?

Granted, it would likely be far less annoying if it was just one or two fools participating in such behavior, but it seems to be a damned epidemic. Even those I did not consider to be so foolish have managed to irritate me with this nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being called any of the aforementioned terms of endearment under the right circumstances (with the exception of “Hot Stuff” which will probably always make me gag in a not good way); however, none of the current examples were presented under the right circumstances.

Look, kids, either we’re just friends or we’re not just friends. If we are not friends, then we should probably have a conversation about that during which I will bluntly explain why we should stick to friends. If we are just friends, then I have compiled a list of acceptable “friendly” terms of endearment for your future use that will not blur The Line:

Sunshine: because yes, I am bright and happy and warm… and it sounds even better when said with a hint of sarcasm
Homeslice: cracks me up every time
Homeskillet:  seriously, cracking up over here
Precious: because I love Lord of the Rings and you would know that if you were my friend

All other suggestions will be submitted to management for review.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.