Tag Archives: a good cry

Lagrimas Negras

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Coming back from Miami is never easy for me.
When I’m there, I feel like I’m at home.
When I’m in CA, I feel like a fish out of water.

Knowing this about myself, I made sure to hit the ground running. I had plans just about every night after I landed.
First night back: Date with hot Cuban (who shall henceforth be referred to as Hank Bacardi)
Second night back: rehearsal for my upcoming timbales recital (!) followed by a meal at a nearby Cuban restaurant

(Are you seeing the trend?)

Third day back: finalizing weekend plans
Fourth day back: enjoying left-over Cuban food, café, and sunshine in the morning; enjoying a fabulous Cuban (Cuban leaves grown in Nicaragua) cigar with a good friend; more Cuban food; and then dancing with Hank Bacardi. (Unfortunately, Hank Bacardi was otherwise detained and didn’t make it. My cousins who were to join us also couldn’t make it which lead to me being totally bummed out, but refusing to give in to the disappointment because I’d had such wonderful day.)

Fifth day back: Horseback riding and finishing a good book.

The problem with finishing a good book is that then it is over. It’s like saying goodbye to good friends.
I loved the book, but finishing it made me sad. It made me miss O.D. Churroman because he was the one who first got me into it. It made me miss Kaima because I knew he would have enjoyed it.

Slowly, but surely, missing Miami was catching up with me.

I had invited very few people to my timbales recital and, over the course of the week, most of them apologized and said they couldn’t make it.

The night before my performance I had the worst rehearsal of my life. I couldn’t keep a steady tempo. My teacher looked at me in shock and wondered what had happened to his amazing student. The whole band was super supportive and attributed my issues to pre-show jitters and offered words of wisdom on how I didn’t need to worry and how great it would be.

I knew it wasn’t that. I have no problem performing.
But not being able to shake it off and play the way I wanted too was only compounding the problem.

It finally became too much for me and I needed a release.

What I probably needed was a good cry, but I can’t cry on command and watching some movie to make me cry felt a bit too contrived.

With such a long day to follow, the last thing I wanted was to be hung-over so drinking was out of the question.

Not really sure what else to do, I reached out to a certain Yellow Shirted Conundrum: I either need a good cry or a good … *ahem*  So, what are you doing? Want to help me cry?

Being the gentlemen that he is, he responded in such a way as to bring a smile to my face.

It took enough of the edge off that I pushed through and had a fabulous recital.
I messed up, but not too horribly and was able to recover.
I was definitely on a high afterwards and went out.
And after I went out, I went dancing.
It was one of those magical nights where I didn’t stop dancing and every dance was a good one.
It seemed I had staved off the tears.
The magic had taken away the need to cry.

The next morning I was reading and enjoying breakfast when I got a message from Kaima: I miss you too.

The dam broke before I realized what had happened.

I told him about how great my playing had been and that I rocked.
Kaima: Of course you rock.
And then he was off to bed and “Have a super day, goldilocks.”

The tears would not stop after that and my mascara caused them to be black tears.
Lagrimas negras.

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“Aunque tú me has dejado en el abandono
aunque ya han muerto todas mis ilusiones,
en vez de maldecirte con justo encono
en mis sueños te colmo de bendiciones.
Sufro la inmensa pena de tu extravío
siento el dolor profundo de tu partida
y lloro sin que sepas que el llanto mío
tiene lágrimas negras”

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