Category Archives: Kissing

The Speed Date

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Once upon a time, many years ago… I was getting ready to go out dancing.

My girlfriend had turned on the tv and it was then that I saw my very first CSI: Miami episode ever.

It was Season 3: Episode 8 “Speed Kills”, a story about speed dating gone awry. It was the first time I had ever heard of speed dating and was fascinated by the idea. Granted, I decided I was too young to be speed dating, that it was something that people with “real careers” did.

It came up again when the movie “Hitch” came out and there was a scene of speed dating, but I was still not quite “old enough” to be resorting to such measures with my singlehood. Regardless, it looked rad.

Enter Groupon.com.

For $20 (instead of the regular $44), I was given the opportunity to finally attend a real speed dating event!

Plus, I finally have a “real” job (SEE: impressive) and am old enough to not feel like a bimbo.

Of course, while I am a professional when it comes to doing things alone, I thought the whole experience would be heightened by having another girlfriend there with me. Unfortunately, I have a shortage of single girlfriends. (Well, single girlfriends that I think would be fun to go speed dating with, that is.)

However, I was able to convince a girl from work to join me. We carefully planned our outfits. We decided dresses were more appropriate than pants. So I wore a long dress of hot pink paisley on a white background (it looks way hotter than it sounds) with perfectly matched heels and jewelry. We had also decided a bit of “pre-game” was essential (aka a shot of Wild Turkey, no I don’t know why we chose that, but we did).

As we entered the bar where we would be speed dating, we were given a score card and a number. The number would let us know what table we would be sitting at for the duration of the event. The score card was to help keep track of the gentlemen callers who would be stopping by our table.

We arrived just early enough to get a drink before the hosts led us all to our tables.
My girlfriend’s table was as far away from me as possible.
My table was actually an open booth on a step with it’s own chandelier… basically, I looked like I should’ve been wearing a tiara as the queen of the event. I was thoroughly amused by it all and ready for my first date.
Asian.
Beyond that, all I really remember is that he seemed nervous and was thoroughly interested in my love for cigar smoking.

Date #2: Obviously Latino. Mmm, my drink was delicious. He was an underwriter which I mentally interpreted as “lots of money, but can’t spell.” He lived super close to me. He was obviously interested.

Date #3: Asian.

Date #4: Asian. I didn’t get to finish telling him about how great cigars are.

Date #5: Break time! There were more women then men, so I got a breather… and another drink.

Date #6: Late arrival. Black guy.

Date #7: How many frakking “Billys” are there at this thing?

Date #8: Break time again! Phew! Time to text people and tell them how freaking fun this is.

Date #9: So… what kind of Asian are you?

Date #10: More breaking! Oh good! Texting!

Date #11: Holy cow! You’re HOW old? Don’t look at me like you like me. You’re old enough to be my father.

Date #12: Lemme guess… Flipino? (shoot! I hate O.D. Churroman and his use of racial slurs! And I hope homeslice over here did not hear it.)

And then it was over.

The Latino immediately came over and offered to buy me a drink. “Sure!” (Of course, I should have followed him to the bar to make sure he did not slip anything into my drink, but this was a private event in the O.C., the odds were in my favor.) While he was getting me another drink (the better to seduce me with), one of the gals came over to sit with me and chat about the event. Then my girlfriend came over. I was walled in by women so when the Latino Drink-Getter came back, he had to sit at the end of the booth and attempt to charm me from afar.

My girlfriend was ready to go, so he followed us out and asked if I’d like to meet at a bar near where we live. “Sure!” (Of course, I should have told him some other time, but I was caught up in the fun of the moment. Besides, he seemed harmless enough.)

I met him at the bar. He drove a very nice car. I switched to water. We chatted for about an hour about everything… He used to be a Marine. For some reason, he started quoting Jack Nicholson’s “You Can’t Handle the Truth” monologue from A Few Good Men. I laughed in an appreciative, “Hey! I know that movie!” way, but he didn’t stop.
HE. DIDN’T. STOP.
He did the WHOLE MONOLOGUE. – Strike 1, sir.

He walked me to my car and asked, “What? No good night kiss?”

I proceeded to lecture him on how any potential for a good night kiss had just been ruined by asking. He interrupted my lecture and kissed me. (Not bad, but I’ve definitely had better.)

I thanked him, said it was lovely to meet him, and good night.

He asked, “That’s it then?”

Me: Umm… yeah. It’s late. I have to work tomorrow. Oh, and I. JUST. MET. YOU.
Him: Can I come over?
Me: No. Are you kidding? NO.
Him: Ok, do you want to come to my house? I live right down the street…
Me: No. I’m going home. Good night.

I left. And quickly.

Multiple text messages and a phone call later, I was finally able to sleep.

The next morning, the texts started again.

Was I available for lunch? Dinner? A quick coffee? Dinner tomorrow?

I was busy.

Midnight: Was I awake?

The following day I explained that I don’t like when people message me late at night. His response: Could I escape work for a quick coffee?  What about dinner after work?

I get an email from the Speed Dating people.. I have TWO matches! TWO people thought I was cool enough to see again.

The really old guy.
And one of the Asians.

Not the Marine who was trying so hard to see me again.

Strike 2.

Saturday night, Midnight: Would I like to go to breakfast the next morning? If I said no, then he would never call again.

I politely reminded him it was Easter and then silently kicked myself for responding. For some reason, I felt like I should give this poor guy a chance… he HAD served our country, after all.

He didn’t see a problem with it being Easter.

And, really, there are plenty of people I would happily get up and go to breakfast with, none of them are so pushy, though. I don’t like being pushed. Strike 3. Latino is out. (And thus endeth the one last chance I was giving Mexicans.)

Yay! Speed dating!

Truth be told, I would SOOOOO do that again (without the after-party-for-two-at-another-bar scene, though). 🙂

Terms of Endearment

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Him 1: Hey babes!!
Him 2: Hey sexy!!!! What are you up to?
Him 3: Hola, mi vida!
Him 4: How are you doing, honey?
Him 5: Sorry babe
Him 6: Que haces, mi amor?
Him 7: Hun, can I ask you a question?
Him 8: Good night, love.
Him 9: MAMITAAAA!
Him 10: Corazón…
Him 11: ‘Sup, hot stuff?
Him 12: Hello, Gorgeous!

No, this is not a complete list.

With everyone calling me their honey love babe, you’d think I get around… a LOT. And I don’t! (Although, I’m starting to think maybe I should…)

Each time someone who purports to be my friend calls me something like this, my first thought is: “Since when am I your [insert term of endearment here]?

Then I react to whatever word was and who it’s coming from…

Hot Stuff = What year are we in? Am I required to respond to this?
Gorgeous = True, but is this a Barbra Streisand movie? Or are you suggesting I have a big nose? (I do, but that’s not important right now)
Babes = More than one?
Sexy = I thought gays were the only one who used that when referring to a female they had never been … *ahem* … intimate with?
Mi Vida = Your life? Really? You might want to think about getting a new one…
Honey = Goes in tea and on bread.
Babe = Last time I checked, I was not a talking pig
Mi Amor = Did you fall in love with me during these past months that I hadn’t been talking to you?
Love = I’m sorry, are you British?
MAMITAAAA = No, I don’t have children. (And, NO, I do not want to have yours… and NO, I do not want to practice with you, either.)
Corazón = Why don’t you give your heart to someone who cares?
Hun = As in “Attila the…”?

I have a name. And I have a nickname. And nicknames for the nickname.

Must these fools persist to annoy me with “relationship-y” words when one (or both) of us has no desire for such status?

Granted, it would likely be far less annoying if it was just one or two fools participating in such behavior, but it seems to be a damned epidemic. Even those I did not consider to be so foolish have managed to irritate me with this nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being called any of the aforementioned terms of endearment under the right circumstances (with the exception of “Hot Stuff” which will probably always make me gag in a not good way); however, none of the current examples were presented under the right circumstances.

Look, kids, either we’re just friends or we’re not just friends. If we are not friends, then we should probably have a conversation about that during which I will bluntly explain why we should stick to friends. If we are just friends, then I have compiled a list of acceptable “friendly” terms of endearment for your future use that will not blur The Line:

Sunshine: because yes, I am bright and happy and warm… and it sounds even better when said with a hint of sarcasm
Homeslice: cracks me up every time
Homeskillet:  seriously, cracking up over here
Precious: because I love Lord of the Rings and you would know that if you were my friend

All other suggestions will be submitted to management for review.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Regarding Kissing

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Sometimes a first kiss with someone leaves something to be desired.

Sometimes you find yourself thinking, “Really? That’s it? Yeah, I think I’d like to go back to the part where we weren’t kissing.”

Sometimes, when those moments happen, that initial kiss left you with a wrong impression and, a few kisses later, everyone has found their groove and you think, “Ok, this is much better.”

Sometimes it’s not like that and you think, “Ok, let’s stop now, thank you.”

But…

Sometimes, something magical happens.

Sometimes, everything just clicks.

Sometimes, that first moment is everything you want it to be.

Sometimes you find yourself thinking, “Yes!!!” and “Please, sir, may I have some more?”

Those times rock.